1
00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:08,020
merry almost christmas, everybody.

2
00:00:08,030 --> 00:00:10,970
i have some great
news.we are all getting--

3
00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:12,710
- frozen steaks.
- ipod nothings?

4
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,260
- colorful sweaters?
- nope,better.

5
00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:21,340
we are getting to participate in a
charity program called "letters to santa."

6
00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:22,990
no,this is great.

7
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,160
the post office collects letters
that poor kids write to santa,

8
00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:28,560
and then we go and buy them wha

9
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,260
look,we already did our
christmas charity work.

10
00:00:31,290 --> 00:00:34,990
everybody here chipped
in to get sue a bra.

11
00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:37,370
- that's much better.
- sweet!

12
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,470
come on,nobody but me is gonna do this?

13
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:44,250
well,i,for one, think it's a great idea,
because christmas is a time of giving.

14
00:00:44,270 --> 00:00:45,150
are you drunk?

15
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,000
on the spirit of christmas.

16
00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:49,700
it's this cheap,
high-proof brandy i found.

17
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,590
i hope it's not seasonal.

18
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,140
i'll take one, ms. lemon.

19
00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:55,100
i love helping people
less fortute than me.

20
00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:56,250
where do you find them?

21
00:00:56,270 --> 00:00:58,500
there are these nigerians
on the internet that help me.

22
00:00:58,510 --> 00:01:02,840
listen to this: "dear santa,
my name is chanel jenkins.

23
00:01:02,850 --> 00:01:07,310
"i would like some new shoes
"so i can walk to school.

24
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,790
my dream is to be a
doctor some day-- "

25
00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:14,120
that kid's never gonna be a doctor.

26
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,710
better buy it a jet ski.

27
00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:20,970
- this is what the holidays are all about.
- okay.

28
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,230
merry christmas, everyone.

29
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,210
hello?

30
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,500
i'm ee,lemon.

31
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,250
where are you? i hear sunshine.

32
00:01:30,260 --> 00:01:33,400
i ducked down to florida for
a surprise early christmas.

33
00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:35,660
i showed up three days early,
showered my mom with gifts.

34
00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:38,130
she called them all "adequate."
it's a christmas miracle.

35
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:41,080
well,i'm glad to hear it went
well. tell colleen i said hi.

36
00:01:41,090 --> 00:01:43,580
i wish i could,but she's
out for her morning walk.

37
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:45,220
ani'm off to have a real christmas.

38
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:48,850
fly to rio, tan in the nude.

39
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,390
bet on some monkey wrestling.

40
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,820
just like norman
rockwell always drew it.

41
00:01:52,830 --> 00:01:53,850
well,have a good flight.

42
00:01:53,860 --> 00:01:56,400
i could fly there without a plane.

43
00:02:08,540 --> 00:02:09,590
mother.

44
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:17,550
-=http://sfile.ydy.com=-
proudly presents

45
00:02:18,130 --> 00:02:26,230
-=http://sfile.ydy.com=-
sync:ßÇÈâÈâ

46
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:31,360
30 Rock Season03
Episode06 Christmas Special</font>

47
00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:35,640
hey,toofer, can i buy a kid
fubu? is that a swear wo?

48
00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:39,040
okay,while fubu is not itself profane,

49
00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:41,050
- i do think
that-- - thank you.

50
00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:43,340
lemon.

51
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:45,290
what are you doing here?
why aren't you in rio?

52
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:49,540
i hit her. colleen.
i hit her with my car.

53
00:02:49,550 --> 00:02:51,610
what? oh,my
god.is she--

54
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,690
she's fine. she's better than fine.

55
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:56,920
they're giving her a titanium
hip. like the terminator.

56
00:02:56,930 --> 00:02:58,880
it's only gonna make her more powerful.

57
00:02:58,890 --> 00:02:59,900
well,are you okay?

58
00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:03,830
how can i be? she's
here,now, in my home.

59
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,300
some quack doctor strongly
recommended she be around faly.

60
00:03:07,310 --> 00:03:10,130
oh-ho-ho,and colleen
didn't miss that one.

61
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,390
yes,mother?

62
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:18,940
well, why don't you try taking one of the
many blankets off you if you're feeling hot?

63
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:22,480
yes,i know. it is hard. life is hard.

64
00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:25,540
no,i wasn't. i was
just scratching my head.

65
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,300
if you need something, just
call down to the doorman.

66
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,080
yes,he does speak english,mother.

67
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,600
jamaican people
speak eng--

68
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,070
she hung up.

69
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:38,750
i had to cancel my trip,
there's nothing going on at work,

70
00:03:38,770 --> 00:03:40,970
everyone i know is
away for the holidays.

71
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:45,720
it's just me and
colleen,all alone. lemon...

72
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:50,510
one of her suitcases was just wigs.

73
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,840
look,i'm not doing my usual
thing either this year.

74
00:03:53,850 --> 00:03:56,450
do you want me to come by
later, and say hi to your mom?

75
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,640
would you please?

76
00:03:57,650 --> 00:03:59,870
yeah,sure. i'll entertain her.

77
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:05,150
you know,i was just thinking in the shower
this morning, what if saint nick was nic cage?

78
00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:07,800
'cause it might go a
little something like this--

79
00:04:07,810 --> 00:04:11,740
toofer!toofer,my man. how's tricks?

80
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:14,260
ho ho ho!

81
00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:16,910
no,that sounds more like joan rivers.

82
00:04:20,930 --> 00:04:22,840
hey,are you almost done? we
need to get out of here...

83
00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:25,080
before someone recognizes me.

84
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:28,730
yeah,yeah,yeah,i just have to get
stocking stuffers. and stockings.

85
00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:31,600
wait,what is all of this?
you have video games in here.

86
00:04:31,610 --> 00:04:33,200
and sports equipment. a tv?

87
00:04:33,210 --> 00:04:35,760
well,i just want to make
sure that deshante,age nine,

88
00:04:35,790 --> 00:04:38,400
and marcus,age five, have
a wonderful christmas.

89
00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:40,450
are you really gonna wrap
all of these presents?

90
00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:44,120
of course i'm gonna wrap them, because
that's what you do on christmas.

91
00:04:44,130 --> 00:04:48,020
what you don't do is call
your daughter on december 22,

92
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,200
and tell her that you don't really
feel up to hosting christmas this year,

93
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:56,320
because she's 38, and you thought that
she'd have "her own family by now."

94
00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:59,410
and that instead, you're going to
a couples-only retreat in arizona,

95
00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:01,970
the theme of which is "sexy at 70."

96
00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:03,120
oh,no.

97
00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:05,880
liz,you've never missed
christmas with your family.

98
00:05:05,910 --> 00:05:07,080
i know.

99
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,390
but i have a new family, the glovers.

100
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,990
and i am gonna get them
all these rapping santas.

101
00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:20,000
oh,well,i kind of assumed they would
rap, which is racist on my part.

102
00:05:20,010 --> 00:05:23,740
but still, best christmas
ever. you're welcome,glovers.

103
00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:32,480
mother,what is so urgent that you could not
wait until i came back from the front door?

104
00:05:32,490 --> 00:05:34,590
i need my other bell.

105
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,520
we agreed, one by the
bed, and one by the toilet.

106
00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:40,620
hello.

107
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:42,760
oh,liz.

108
00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:44,120
hello there.

109
00:05:44,130 --> 00:05:46,460
so good of you to come see me.

110
00:05:46,470 --> 00:05:48,330
merry christmas, mrs. donaghy.

111
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,940
oh,liz, i'm so glad you're here.

112
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:54,250
i want you to know, and believe,

113
00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:58,360
that what happened to me
in florida was an accident.

114
00:05:58,380 --> 00:06:02,220
my son jackie did not
run me over on purpose.

115
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,690
case closed.

116
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:06,560
and i don't want to hear
another word about it.

117
00:06:06,570 --> 00:06:08,060
mother,of course it was an accident.

118
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,560
no one is saying otrwise.

119
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,700
the real tragedy is that
the accident broke,of course,

120
00:06:13,730 --> 00:06:18,020
the cartier watch that jackie gave
me early this year for christmas.

121
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,070
ho,ho,ho.

122
00:06:19,090 --> 00:06:21,700
it's not cartier. it's chopard.

123
00:06:21,710 --> 00:06:23,860
yes,of course. chopard.

124
00:06:23,870 --> 00:06:27,360
not the cartier watch, that i wanted.

125
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:30,810
uh,liz,uh,could i speak
with you for a second,please?

126
00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,120
i can't do this.

127
00:06:34,130 --> 00:06:36,540
i know,it's stressful. the
holidays are always stressful.

128
00:06:36,550 --> 00:06:37,310
it's not just that.

129
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,280
well,your mother's
hurt,and you love her.

130
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,300
do i? do i,lemon?

131
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:43,470
- i waited eight minutes.
- what

132
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,510
after i hit her, before i called 911,
i sat in my car for eight minutes.

133
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:54,400
what kind of son does
that to his mother?

134
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:58,010
jack,you were in shock.
you froze. it happens.

135
00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:02,070
it was a it was an accident,right?

136
00:07:03,270 --> 00:07:06,900
what are you two girls whispering about?

137
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,410
what are you all still do

138
00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:14,560
lutz looked it up, and if we stay
until noon, it counts as a work week.

139
00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:17,060
and nbc has to pay for
our cabs to the airport.

140
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,200
tracey,you made $300 million this year.

141
00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:23,910
and i'm not going
anywhere for christmas.

142
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,270
miss lemon, you really outdid yourself.

143
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,240
those are gonna be the happiest poor kids
since my brother and i went to neverland ranch.

144
00:07:30,270 --> 00:07:33,640
she went overboard because her family
is not exchanging gifts this year.

145
00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:36,650
holy buddha, who likes christmas?

146
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,220
it's gonna cost you a
fortune to ship all of this.

147
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,930
oh,no,i'm taking it up there personally.

148
00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:43,730
i wanna see deshante and marcus's
faces light up when they get it.

149
00:07:43,740 --> 00:07:49,130
anyway, i gotta take this up to 245th
street and lawrence taylor boulevard.

150
00:07:49,150 --> 00:07:52,610
no,no,no,no,no, no,no,no,no,no,no.

151
00:07:52,630 --> 00:07:54,980
i will not let you go into that neighbo

152
00:07:54,990 --> 00:07:57,710
- in the spirit of christmas and kwanzo.
- kwanzaa.

153
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,700
and shalam-shizzam
to you too,my sister.

154
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,070
we'll go with you uptown.

155
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:06,940
and remember, dotcom, you are there
to protect me, and not liz lemon.

156
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:12,620
guys,we are out of
here in 5,4...3,2--

157
00:08:12,630 --> 00:08:14,470
exciting news,everyone.

158
00:08:14,490 --> 00:08:19,850
we are going to put on a live
christmas eve special this year.

159
00:08:20,230 --> 00:08:22,300
this year, as in "tomorrow," this year?

160
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,120
yes,that's right.

161
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:26,560
sadly,it will mean working a lot
of hours over the next couple of ys,

162
00:08:26,570 --> 00:08:29,990
being away from our
loved ones. our mothers.

163
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,730
but we will be part of giving
america the perfect christmas eve.

164
00:08:33,740 --> 00:08:37,640
it's going to be so worth
it. now,brainstorming session.

165
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,090
go!

166
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,010
i don't want to do this.

167
00:08:42,650 --> 00:08:46,620
mr. donaghy,as leader of this
group, i have to put my foot down.

168
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,970
christmas is a sacred time
for me and my surrogate family.

169
00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:53,670
so if you are willing to look four
25-year-old gay guys in the eyes

170
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:58,310
and tell them that we're not going to see new
kids on the block at the borgata,be my guest.

171
00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:01,330
you are all contractually
obligated to participate.

172
00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:04,270
yes,sir. i never liked
that group. sorry.

173
00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:06,970
jack,this isn't fair.

174
00:09:06,990 --> 00:09:09,230
don't take your mommy issues out on us.

175
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:11,280
i'm sorry,lemon, i'm just
trying to get through christmas.

176
00:09:11,290 --> 00:09:12,180
and then what?

177
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,690
i found a nursing home
off the coast of maine

178
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,530
run by the same french company
that oversaw napoleon's exile.

179
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,710
she will be treated humanely,
but there will be no escape.

180
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,850
merry christmas.

181
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:30,880
thank you so much for carrying that.

182
00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:32,610
i will buy you guys dinner later.

183
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:35,690
liz,we both have girlfriends.

184
00:09:36,590 --> 00:09:38,990
this is it. 4d.

185
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,980
tracey,i am gonna need
you to take a picture.

186
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,820
you just push the little button on top.

187
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:47,160
thanks a lot. i never
operated a camera before.

188
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,630
i'm serious. th was very helpful.

189
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,750
oh,okay. make sure you get the hug.

190
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,960
oh,hi.

191
00:09:56,990 --> 00:10:01,170
i brought these presents as part
of the letters to santa program.

192
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,680
what just happened?

193
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:04,610
what's the past tense for "scam?"

194
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:05,710
is it "scrumped?"

195
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,620
liz lemon,i think you just got scrumped.

196
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,320
donaghy wants a santa
costume and a mrs. claus.

197
00:10:12,330 --> 00:10:13,830
1,2,3,4,5.

198
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:19,170
jingle bell all the way
in a one-horse open sleigh

199
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:22,020
no. alfonso,i'm on the
six, you're on the four.

200
00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:24,600
come on, 1,2,3,4,5.

201
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:31,050
ah,my little elves at work.
looking good,gang. looking good.

202
00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:36,580
you do realize we're going
into quadruple overtime.

203
00:10:36,590 --> 00:10:37,770
so what?

204
00:10:37,780 --> 00:10:40,070
we're giving america the
perfect christmas,pete.

205
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,580
there are some kids out
there who never get that.

206
00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:44,410
i know i didn't.

207
00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:46,690
not with colleen around.

208
00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:48,110
my dad was long gone.

209
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,090
so every christmas, colleen would bring
her friend mr. schwartz over for dinner,

210
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,760
and she's make me play songs on the
piano, and she would sing to him.

211
00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:56,120
my parents divorced
when i was nine--

212
00:10:56,130 --> 00:10:57,700
and every year, the
dreadful moment arrived,

213
00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:00,940
when i would catch mr. schwartz
caressing my mother's bony thigh.

214
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,510
and i'd say "eyes on the keys,jackie
boy, keep your eyes on the keys."

215
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:05,860
and they'd ask me to
playwhite christmas,

216
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,830
and it would turn into some
boozy burlesque travesty.

217
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,430
every time i hear that
song, i get aroused.

218
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,130
what is wrong with me?

219
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,980
i have to... go to the prop meeting now.

220
00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:19,860
she's the reason. she's why it happened.

221
00:11:20,650 --> 00:11:23,030
so the overtime?

222
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,210
approved,yeah.

223
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,500
it's christmas.

224
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:31,890
- next.
- yes,finally.

225
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:36,190
hi,i would like to speak to whoever
screens the letters to santa.

226
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,470
then you better talk to that box.

227
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,920
uh,maybe you could help me,trene.

228
00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,820
- irene.
- irene.

229
00:11:42,830 --> 00:11:47,330
i believe that i was the victim of a scam
ock perpetrated through the mails, so--

230
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,510
there's nothing we can do about that.

231
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,410
i disagree. i think there are
a lot of things we could do.

232
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:54,810
i would like to access any census
information you have for this address.

233
00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:55,400
no.

234
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,750
in addition,i would like to
speak to the letter carrier...

235
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,130
you know we're closing
in five minutes,right?

236
00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:03,360
- who services zip-plus-four.
- never gonna happen.

237
00:12:03,370 --> 00:12:05,070
can you help me out with her?

238
00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:06,540
oh,really?

239
00:12:06,550 --> 00:12:09,560
we're both black, so
we must know each other?

240
00:12:09,570 --> 00:12:12,060
- hey,irene!
- hey,tracey.

241
00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:15,020
- did vicky hook you up with this job?
- yeah.

242
00:12:15,030 --> 00:12:17,250
girl,you better stop.

243
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,140
hey,you don't know the postmaster

244
00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:23,140
i do,but we had a falling out
over the jerry garcia stamp.

245
00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:26,740
i mean,if i want to lick a hippie, i
would just return joan baez's phone calls.

246
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,080
are you wearing the same
clothes as yesterday?

247
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:30,740
i have no choice. i can't go home.

248
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,600
oh,come on. you can go home.

249
00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:37,770
no,i n't. last night,
we had... an incident.

250
00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:41,190
jackie,sweetheart.

251
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,350
can you get this heavy wool
blanket out from underneath me?

252
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,730
i'm sweating like a grape picker.

253
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:53,820
come on, put me back
into it... jacqueline.

254
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,250
my other hip!

255
00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:59,870
i think it was subconscious.
i've had enough.

256
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,360
50 years of criticism and
feelings of inadequacy.

257
00:13:02,380 --> 00:13:04,710
50 ruined christmases.
i want to be free.

258
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:05,650
what are you saying?

259
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,060
i can't be alone with her.

260
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,920
you see,lemon, my mother is like a virus,
and my body is trying to get rid of her.

261
00:13:09,950 --> 00:13:12,270
good god,she can't know
i'm having these thoughts.

262
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,620
she can't know about the eight minutes.

263
00:13:13,630 --> 00:13:16,110
if she knew, she would have me
arrested. she's done it before.

264
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,050
hey,the candy canes are for the show.

265
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:22,820
oh,so how'd it go uptown,ms. lemon?

266
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:23,740
i'll tell you how it went.

267
00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:26,180
i filed a report with the
better business bureau.

268
00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:31,450
i'm not gonna rest until the letters
to santa program is shut down.

269
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,620
what is wrong with you?

270
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,710
you are being a real scrooge.

271
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,880
it was just two dudes,kenneth.

272
00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:41,020
they scammed me,and now they're
selling that stuff on ebay.

273
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,870
k there were no kids up there, and there
definitely weren't any hugs around here.

274
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,610
well,if all you want is a
hug from a black person...

275
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,090
maybe you should just
hostthe price is right.

276
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,760
i don't believe people
would do that, ms. lemon.

277
00:13:53,790 --> 00:13:55,850
this is a religious holiday.

278
00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:58,090
when has religion ever
caused any trouble?

279
00:13:58,110 --> 00:13:59,780
kenneth,you're naive.

280
00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:02,580
and you're acting like
a real c-word right now.

281
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:05,380
that's right, a cranky sue.

282
00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:09,160
i know in my heart that
children got those presents.

283
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,490
they didn't,kenneth. i'll prove
it to you. it's dinner break.

284
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:15,500
trac, we're going uptown.

285
00:14:15,510 --> 00:14:18,190
all right, i'll call grizz and dotcom.

286
00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:20,570
i'm sure they're not doing anything.

287
00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:28,060
no. doctor williams said "boundaries."

288
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:36,630
mother,you shouldn't be
exerting yourself like that.

289
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:39,720
i'm sorry that work has kept me from...

290
00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:40,990
spending more time with you.

291
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:43,410
what kind of time,jackie?

292
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:46,310
eight minutes,maybe?

293
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,060
john francis donaghy.

294
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,340
how could you? how could you?

295
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,530
waiting eight minutes to call 911.

296
00:14:55,550 --> 00:14:56,360
i can't believe it.

297
00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,560
i don't know what you're
talking about,mother.

298
00:14:57,570 --> 00:14:59,350
i've got to get back to work now.

299
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,480
exhibit a!

300
00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:08,150
your cell phone bi you made
a call to 911 at 8:16 a.m.

301
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:12,680
exhibit b. the watch that
my son gave me for christmas.

302
00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,740
not the one i wanted, by the way.

303
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,160
you had just set it
before it broke,of course,

304
00:15:18,180 --> 00:15:20,870
when your car rammed
into me down in florida.

305
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,920
and it stopped at 8:08.

306
00:15:24,930 --> 00:15:30,100
exhibit c. 16 minus eight is eight.

307
00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:35,020
numbers, unlike children,
don't lie. what kind of son--

308
00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:39,370
what kind of mother tes her son that john
kennedy died because he talked in church?

309
00:15:39,380 --> 00:15:42,140
or tells her son when he was
voted caption of the diving team,

310
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:44,320
"what a great way to meet guys."

311
00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:47,340
or invite strange men
over on christmas eve!

312
00:15:47,370 --> 00:15:49,910
don't turn this around,jackie!

313
00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:51,490
don't make this about me!

314
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,960
it's always about you.

315
00:15:53,990 --> 00:15:55,550
i am 50 years old.

316
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,710
you have ruined every
christmas i've ever had,

317
00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,800
and i'm not letting you
take this one down too.

318
00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:01,830
you're walking away from me!

319
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,960
more snow machines!

320
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:10,990
see,kenneth, those drawings are
a clue that children live here.

321
00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:12,760
or basquiat.

322
00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:16,350
and this bare door is a scam door.

323
00:16:16,370 --> 00:16:19,810
no,children live here. i know it.

324
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,060
get ready to have your
little bubble burst.

325
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:25,480
come on,christmas. come on,christmas.

326
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:27,960
hello?

327
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:32,610
oh,my gosh. are you deshante and marcus?

328
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,190
and you got the presents? there
are presents under the tree?

329
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,700
i did that. i got that stuff for you.

330
00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:41,370
i'm the one who made christmas happen.

331
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:43,170
what about santa?

332
00:16:43,180 --> 00:16:46,800
daddy,she said there's no santa claus.

333
00:16:46,810 --> 00:16:47,860
what is wrong with you?

334
00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:50,230
no,i'm-- i did a good
thing.i got a letter from--

335
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,720
yeah,the letter that said "dear
santa," not "dear lonely white lady."

336
00:16:53,730 --> 00:16:54,850
i'm sorry.

337
00:16:54,860 --> 00:17:00,830
could i offer you tickets to a live christmas
special in the tradition of andy williams?

338
00:17:02,370 --> 00:17:06,190
okay,you were right.
so yeah,you were right.

339
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:13,070
- do you know your mother is here?
- i don't care.

340
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,760
i'm trying to produce a christmas special that
makes it's a wonderful life look likepulp fiction.

341
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,030
where the hell is mrs. claus?

342
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,670
you can't do christmas eve without her.

343
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,080
what is wrong with you people?

344
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:22,500
we're on in 30 seconds.

345
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,590
how couldn't you have mrs. claus?

346
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,560
i didn't realize you were
serious about that,so i cut it.

347
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:28,270
you can't cut mrs. claus.

348
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,900
everyone knows that on christmas eve,

349
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,160
mrs.claus hangs your stockings,
then puts out food for santa.

350
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:36,340
then you sings songs around the
piano until she tucks you in.

351
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,160
did your mother not do tt?

352
00:17:38,170 --> 00:17:40,450
that's not a thing,jack.

353
00:17:40,470 --> 00:17:42,460
yes,it is. no.

354
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:45,650
mrs.claus must have been
something special that colleen did.

355
00:17:45,670 --> 00:17:47,830
probably to make up for the
fact that your dad wasn't around.

356
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:50,350
no,christmas in the
donaghy house was awful.

357
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,390
have i not told you about
my mom's yuletide boyfriend?

358
00:17:53,410 --> 00:17:56,470
good old frederick august
otto schwartz e third?

359
00:17:56,490 --> 00:17:58,770
f.a.o.schwartz? like the toy store?

360
00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:02,250
his family owned some
toy stores,yes. so what?

361
00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:07,160
jack,i think your mother put out on
christmas to get you kids presents.

362
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,380
she did it for you.

363
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:11,240
not possible. she didn't
do anything for us.

364
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:13,120
well,i know you guys were pretty poor.

365
00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:15,990
did you have a lot of presents?

366
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,910
you couldn't even see the tree.

367
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,450
in 5,4,3...

368
00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:26,700
our first guest has sung with everyone
from paul anka to crocodile dundee.

369
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,690
cross to piano.

370
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:33,770
ladies and gentlemen, jenna maroney!

371
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:41,450
♪ chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

372
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:47,410
♪ jack frost nipping ayour nose ♪

373
00:18:48,010 --> 00:18:53,050
♪ yuletide carols being
sung by the choir ♪

374
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:58,200
♪ and folks dressed up like eskimos ♪

375
00:18:58,210 --> 00:19:04,760
♪ everybody knows a
turkey and some mistletoe ♪

376
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:08,580
liz lemon, i know you're gonna
be all alone on christmas day.

377
00:19:08,590 --> 00:19:11,600
so if you like, you can
spend it with the jordans.

378
00:19:11,630 --> 00:19:12,980
i'd love to,tracey.

379
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,000
good,we'll be over at 2:00.

380
00:19:15,010 --> 00:19:19,200
my kids have a peanut allergy,
but dogs only eat steak.

381
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,460
okay.

382
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:28,630
♪ they know that santa's on his way...♪

383
00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:35,280
what on earth is the matter with you?

384
00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:37,850
i love you,mother, and
i don't want you to die.

385
00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:40,880
i'm never going to,jackie.

386
00:19:40,910 --> 00:19:48,120
♪ to see if reindeer
really know how to fly ♪

387
00:19:53,590 --> 00:20:01,580
♪ and so i'm offering
this simple phrase ♪

388
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:10,790
♪ to kids k from 1 to 92 ♪

389
00:20:11,590 --> 00:20:19,330
♪ although it's been said
many times many ways ♪

390
00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:23,660
♪ merry christmas ♪

391
00:20:23,670 --> 00:20:27,570
♪ merry christmas ♪

392
00:20:27,580 --> 00:20:32,260
♪ merry christmas ♪

393
00:20:32,270 --> 00:20:38,470
♪ to you ♪

394
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,890
♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪